Post Ihop

I'm constantly thinking but not expressing. I have problems letting people in. I never feel like it's not necessary to share my problems so I internalize everything. Tonight however, I sat at IHOP with a girlfriend of mine. She's the only person I hang out with, unless you consider my weekly therapy session or my biweekly coffee meeting with my boss. I normally use the time I spend with her to be a dork, and rarely do I discuss anything serious. I couldn't hold it in tonight. I finally opened up to her about some things that were bothering me, and she just listened. When I was done (and crying like a baby) she grabbed my hands in hers and said, "you're not crazy, you're not hormonal, and you need to tell me how you feel more often." I guess I feel like it doesn't matter whether I tell anyone how I feel. What are they going to do about it? They can't fix it. I can't even fix it.

My day started off with a simple question, "How are you?" I don't even know how to answer that question. How am I? There's a difference between someone asking that out of politeness, and someone asking that because they are concerned about how I'm actually doing. If I'm talking to someone I haven't talked to in a while and they ask that question I normally respond with, "I'm doing fine, just working a lot." Now in this case it was someone who I've always had a pretty honest relationship with, but we only talk every few months (sometimes longer.) I repeated the question in my head, "How are you?" A few things came to mind, I am alive, I am still breathing, I am here, I am existing... I ended up saying, "Things are ok? Nothing especially great is happening." That's the most honest answer I could come up with without getting way too deep. The conversation was a short one, and we didn't dive much deeper than that.

I laid on the couch for a while. Instead of letting my mind wander I decided to focus on work. I read through all the emails and reports. I had only slept for an hour before I woke up at 6:30am. I remembered looking at the clock at 8am and decided I could try for a couple more hours of sleep. I see the sunrise every day and struggle to sleep through it. However, eventually sleep is inevitable. When I woke up again it was time to get dressed in my uniform so I could go to therapy and work directly after that. I enjoy my 45 minutes. It's good for me to have someone I can tell everything to without worrying about how they will take it, and also their integrity. Otherwise I would keep everything to myself. I have a very long history of keeping problems to myself and its all been piling up inside (there's a lot there). As I got older, and experienced more I started doing it with everything.

I've come to a major realization. I will never love the same again. My therapist told me that all these things will always be painful but eventually the feelings will fade. That may be true but I don't wait for results. If I can't love someone the same, with as much passion as I had, what's the point? Second best isn't an option. I either want the best, or it doesn't matter. I'm not going to invest myself into anyone I'm not in love with. I haven't felt anything remotely close to the feelings I had in the past. I normally have someone around, but I don't get that, "I can't stand not seeing you" feeling. I don't get the butterflies. Sometimes I don't want anyone around and other times I'm indifferent. Honestly, I don't feel that overwhelming passion for anything anymore. It used to come naturally but pain has taken it's place. I've just learned to distract it.