Confusion

Whenever I look up the grooming process of sexual predators it's hard not to link it to my past. I don't want to believe that it was what happened to me. I don't want to believe that somebody set out to hurt me. I want to believe that they loved me like I loved them. I want to believe that they still love me and hurt like I do every day. Whenever I start missing them it leads me down a very dark path. I don't know why I keep letting myself believe that the love was real when it probably wasn't. I'm stuck.  I could have been manipulated into loving someone. All the things they describe in the process are what happened, but I do love them. The past four years of my life have been spent trying to define what happened, reacting to what happened, and living with the pain. I've learned how to get by feeling this way. I've learned how to push everything down so I can function. I've let it define me because I'm convinced that it is real, they do love me, and I just want it back. I want to know what they have to say for themselves. I want to sit down face to face and hear them describe the events to me, but that seems practically impossible at this point. I want to be able to get past this but it's so damn hard. Every time I try to solve it, I exhaust myself. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't keep my emotions under control. Then I decide to distract myself again because it's too much to take, but eventually I fall back to this point of confusion. Everything starts coming back up. The memories flood out, and I am back to being a complete mess. I started going to therapy (again) because I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of feeling this. Every time it comes back it literally makes me sick. I start making poor choices because I'm searching for something that will take it all away. I can't do this anymore. I will not let this ruin my life anymore than it already has. It's time to find MY HEALING.