I'm listening to my spotify playlist. Every song makes me think of my past in some way. My mind always wanders there. I've tried so many different things to make me forget everything that has happened. I remember asking myself which would be easier, "love or hate?" I've tried both, and they're equally frustrating. I don't find happiness in either so I decided, forget. How could I forget? There isn't a way. I've been told that I will always have my feelings, but eventually they will diminish. I just want to know when the hell that's supposed to happen, because it hasn't even began. I feel the same pain today that I always have. So, what do I do? I decided to put all my energy into becoming successful. I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but for a long time my desire was depleted. This was evident when I quit everything I was involved in. I finally was able to put my attention into work. I love doing a good job, and I fed on the energy I received from doing so. With this, I was able to start my career and it's taken off at high speed. In the past year I've been promoted twice. I'm projected to be promoted to an operating partner by the time I'm 21. I will be making anywhere from 60-100k a year depending on the volume of the store I receive. These next few years I will prepare myself for that day, as for my personal life, that's a work in... progress?
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Late night conversation
I'm sitting here while my cat is cuddled next to me asleep. I compare my relationships with men as if I were a cat. I only want you here when I need attention. Other than that I will live my life independently from you. Most of the time I prefer to be alone. I'm not looking for anything serious or long-term. It won't last if you try to get that from me. I have tried a few times in the past three years to have that "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. I end up getting fed up with the person and all that they do. I'm not even happy being by myself! I don't know why I think putting someone else into the mix will change that. I end up just breaking their heart and I just watch as I feel nothing in return. I coexist in relationships, and that's not healthy. I've been told that trying to be in relationships might be a good thing because it will open up some of things I've repressed, and I will be able to express them. Every time I get involved it's only exciting for the first week or so, after that I'm like, "why are you still here?" One time when things got to the "next level" when I was building a relationship, I left in the middle of the night while they were sleeping. I haven't talked to them since. Another time I was given a promise ring, and I broke it off the next week. The first time someone says they love me all I can think is, I don't love you. Things progress when I don't actually want them to. I have a huge problem with intimacy. It's always meaningless and I end up resenting them because of it. I don't need a relationship to express myself.
I'm listening to my spotify playlist. Every song makes me think of my past in some way. My mind always wanders there. I've tried so many different things to make me forget everything that has happened. I remember asking myself which would be easier, "love or hate?" I've tried both, and they're equally frustrating. I don't find happiness in either so I decided, forget. How could I forget? There isn't a way. I've been told that I will always have my feelings, but eventually they will diminish. I just want to know when the hell that's supposed to happen, because it hasn't even began. I feel the same pain today that I always have. So, what do I do? I decided to put all my energy into becoming successful. I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but for a long time my desire was depleted. This was evident when I quit everything I was involved in. I finally was able to put my attention into work. I love doing a good job, and I fed on the energy I received from doing so. With this, I was able to start my career and it's taken off at high speed. In the past year I've been promoted twice. I'm projected to be promoted to an operating partner by the time I'm 21. I will be making anywhere from 60-100k a year depending on the volume of the store I receive. These next few years I will prepare myself for that day, as for my personal life, that's a work in... progress?
I'm listening to my spotify playlist. Every song makes me think of my past in some way. My mind always wanders there. I've tried so many different things to make me forget everything that has happened. I remember asking myself which would be easier, "love or hate?" I've tried both, and they're equally frustrating. I don't find happiness in either so I decided, forget. How could I forget? There isn't a way. I've been told that I will always have my feelings, but eventually they will diminish. I just want to know when the hell that's supposed to happen, because it hasn't even began. I feel the same pain today that I always have. So, what do I do? I decided to put all my energy into becoming successful. I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but for a long time my desire was depleted. This was evident when I quit everything I was involved in. I finally was able to put my attention into work. I love doing a good job, and I fed on the energy I received from doing so. With this, I was able to start my career and it's taken off at high speed. In the past year I've been promoted twice. I'm projected to be promoted to an operating partner by the time I'm 21. I will be making anywhere from 60-100k a year depending on the volume of the store I receive. These next few years I will prepare myself for that day, as for my personal life, that's a work in... progress?
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