Find my feeling

Suddenly I'm here, looking around wondering why. Why do I still carry this around in my heart? I've tried, in so many different ways to shake this off. The only thing I can do is mask it, but when I get home at the end of my day and I'm left alone in my head it's there. The thoughts slowly push forward as I fight them. I start to feel a pain in my chest. I have to breathe deeply to alleviate the sharpness. If I don't stop it here it will only get worse.   It will control me mentally and physically. My decisions will be reactive. I've learned the only way to get by this is to fake it until I make it. It's one thing I can't find a real conclusion to. It does effect me in more ways than one. It effects my mental health. It's hard for me to stay positive when I begin to slide. My sleep varies. Some weeks I'm doing fine, and I'll sleep. Other weeks, I'll get a few hours a night. It effects my relationships with other people. One day I will be ok, and the next you won't hear from me. If you come around at the wrong time I'll push you away and I won't be nice about it. I normally just work, go home to my cat and stay up too long until I finally pass out. I don't know how to express emotions well. I spend a lot of time listening to music. It says everything that I need it to. I used to write music but I haven't been able to finish songs. I never feel like they say what I want them to. I'm never satisfied. My expectations are probably extreme, but I'm trying. I'm trying to not be so hard on myself. I'm trying to let people in. I'm trying to not react too suddenly to feelings because mine are such a roller coaster ride. I'm trying to go to sleep....