Listening to Adele

I used to listen to these albums after him. Adele and Christina Perri were the soundtrack of my life for an entire year. When I first started seeing my therapist about three years ago I introduced her to Adele. I didn't have a lot of conversations with my therapist. I didn't want to talk, but I shared my music. My music was being used to express how I was feeling on the inside, and although I never realized until today why I decided so long after I stopped seeing my therapist to return to this specific one. I've seen a few different therapists, and if I really wanted to I could've gone to a different therapist for a lot cheaper. So what was it that brought me back to her? I never even talked with her. How could I have made a connection with her? I was in an extreme moment of desperation, but not the self pity kind. I'm saying I woke up one day and said I was so tired of living the way I was. It had been four years since the moment of truth and it was still controlling me. I asked myself how I was feeling, and reality hit me: I am not happy.  I am still numb. I am not feeling. Then I tried getting ahold of my therapist In three different ways. I checked my phone constantly that day, until I got a response. I was instantly relaxed. My anxiety went away for a little bit. I find it coincidental that on one of the first visits back to her she said that I had given her Adele. Yes Alice, I did and that's why I am here. You knew that my music was a gift. I never put anything above work. I don't request days off very often. I feel guilty even looking at the days off book. I take so much responisbility for my job. I made going to therapy a priority however. I committed myself to it, and I am thankful for that. This is progress.

http://youtu.be/k3bzXdW-7AQ

Confusion

Whenever I look up the grooming process of sexual predators it's hard not to link it to my past. I don't want to believe that it was what happened to me. I don't want to believe that somebody set out to hurt me. I want to believe that they loved me like I loved them. I want to believe that they still love me and hurt like I do every day. Whenever I start missing them it leads me down a very dark path. I don't know why I keep letting myself believe that the love was real when it probably wasn't. I'm stuck.  I could have been manipulated into loving someone. All the things they describe in the process are what happened, but I do love them. The past four years of my life have been spent trying to define what happened, reacting to what happened, and living with the pain. I've learned how to get by feeling this way. I've learned how to push everything down so I can function. I've let it define me because I'm convinced that it is real, they do love me, and I just want it back. I want to know what they have to say for themselves. I want to sit down face to face and hear them describe the events to me, but that seems practically impossible at this point. I want to be able to get past this but it's so damn hard. Every time I try to solve it, I exhaust myself. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't keep my emotions under control. Then I decide to distract myself again because it's too much to take, but eventually I fall back to this point of confusion. Everything starts coming back up. The memories flood out, and I am back to being a complete mess. I started going to therapy (again) because I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of feeling this. Every time it comes back it literally makes me sick. I start making poor choices because I'm searching for something that will take it all away. I can't do this anymore. I will not let this ruin my life anymore than it already has. It's time to find MY HEALING.

Wishful thinking

I wish we could remake this.

I wish I could find myself again.

I've gone to every place and

I'm left with the memories, alone inside my head.

I know I'm supposed to think you're a monster in disguise, but I can't make them understand how it felt to look in your eyes. 

I hope you can understand I tried everything I could, but I was fighting someone who had control of every place I stood. 

If you saw everything I went through behind the scenes, maybe you could see Why I had to accept that my love was an alternate reality. 

I had to give up on what I felt inside my breaking heart, if I hadn't I would've tore my family apart. 

Believe me, I fought for you until the day she drove off in her car. I knew if I continued I would cause an even bigger war. 

I struggle every single day to keep you out of my thoughts, but the emotions I feel are pressurized like boiling water in a teapot. 

I know I will never be the same girl that loved so innocently but I'm done distracting how I feel to fool myself that I'm happy. 

I woke up one day and said out loud, "I'm done living this way." No more pretending because I've lost myself along the way. 

Thinking

I think of you often. 

I think of my sorrow.

I think of my pain.

I think, "what if?"

I think, "never again."

I think of the words I said and what I could.

I think of the way everything played out and what would.

I think of my feelings back then and right now.

I think things could be better and then I ask how? 

I think up confrontations that never occur.

I think of revelations but I'm never for sure. 

I think of ways to mend my heart,

I think of you and now I'm back to the start. 

What do you think before bed every night?

What's in your heart? What's on your mind?

What would you think if you knew the truth? 

Who am I kidding, you probably do.

In case you don't know there's an emptiness inside me.

If you were wondering, I can't love anyone beside me. 

Is it anything to you I lay in bed with this in my heart every night.

Just to put it on the table, I see you everytime I close my eyes. 

To be completely clear, I love you. Goodnight.

Property Details

This house does have four bedrooms and three bathrooms. It has beautiful wood floors, and large rooms with tall doorways. It has a fenced in backyard, and an equally large non-fenced area. Let me tell you a few other things about this house however. 

It has great acoustics in the stairwells. Don't be embarrassed to sing at the top of your lungs because the neighbors won't ever call the cops and make any noise complaints. The stairs are also great for mattress surfing, and throwing dog toys down. If you have a small dog they may be apprehensive to using the steps at first, but they'll get the hang of it. The stairway upstairs features nice posts with flat tops so that you can set your bowl of cereal down while you turn on the light so you don't spill any milk anywhere. I might add that the lights to this stairwell are old style push button lights, and you will turn on every single one before you get the right one. It is a big house and you might be saying, "HOW will I clean it?" Well, put your socks on, play some Michael Jackson, and slide around as you polish those hardwood floors. The backyard is flat enough to practice your gymnastics, stick fighting, and archery skills. You can lay a sleeping bag on the nice slope it offers and do a little star gazing. Personally, I prefer the roof for that. You can climb right out the upstairs bedroom window. If you take off the white fencing around the porch you will find a nice hiding spot that you can actually crawl into. Yes, you can have a picnic here if you want. I don't know why that seems like a great idea, but it will. The mailbox is NOT A GREAT place to put firecrackers. That would be illegal. DON'T do it. The hill in front of the house is fun to ride your bike down. The trees are climbable. The berries are edible. The attic is fun to play in. You can pretend like it's your own little apartment. The basement is great to watch movies in. The kitchen is a great place to bake, and make messes. The house is happiest when it is filled with family, friends, food, and music. I hope the people moving in discover their own home, but I can promise it will be a great one. 

Memories

I'm sitting on a couch in my childhood home. It's the only thing left in the room. My family moved here when I was five years old. I started first grade here. Everything about the town is familiar. The last three years I lived here everything changed. I lived in this town for 13 years. That's over half my lifetime! I remember when we visited the town we thought it was strange how everyone waved at us. Everyone was so friendly and inviting. Now, the only time I'm comfortable in the town is at night. Everywhere I go, even now, people stare, but I want to think about the other times. For a moment, I'm going to remember this town before everything changed. I'm thinking back through the years. I learned so much in this little town. I was involved in so many different activities, and I met a lot of people. A lot of "firsts" happened in this town. The house is under contract now, and will be sold next month. Although the town doesn't feel the same anymore it will always be where I grew up, where I learned to ride a bike, I kissed someone for the first time, learned to play the clarinet, learned to drive, got my first job, made lifetime friends, fell in love, had my first heartbreak, bought my first car, and SO SO SO MUCH MORE. This is where it all started. Goodbye 901 New Jersey.

Post Ihop

I'm constantly thinking but not expressing. I have problems letting people in. I never feel like it's not necessary to share my problems so I internalize everything. Tonight however, I sat at IHOP with a girlfriend of mine. She's the only person I hang out with, unless you consider my weekly therapy session or my biweekly coffee meeting with my boss. I normally use the time I spend with her to be a dork, and rarely do I discuss anything serious. I couldn't hold it in tonight. I finally opened up to her about some things that were bothering me, and she just listened. When I was done (and crying like a baby) she grabbed my hands in hers and said, "you're not crazy, you're not hormonal, and you need to tell me how you feel more often." I guess I feel like it doesn't matter whether I tell anyone how I feel. What are they going to do about it? They can't fix it. I can't even fix it.

My day started off with a simple question, "How are you?" I don't even know how to answer that question. How am I? There's a difference between someone asking that out of politeness, and someone asking that because they are concerned about how I'm actually doing. If I'm talking to someone I haven't talked to in a while and they ask that question I normally respond with, "I'm doing fine, just working a lot." Now in this case it was someone who I've always had a pretty honest relationship with, but we only talk every few months (sometimes longer.) I repeated the question in my head, "How are you?" A few things came to mind, I am alive, I am still breathing, I am here, I am existing... I ended up saying, "Things are ok? Nothing especially great is happening." That's the most honest answer I could come up with without getting way too deep. The conversation was a short one, and we didn't dive much deeper than that.

I laid on the couch for a while. Instead of letting my mind wander I decided to focus on work. I read through all the emails and reports. I had only slept for an hour before I woke up at 6:30am. I remembered looking at the clock at 8am and decided I could try for a couple more hours of sleep. I see the sunrise every day and struggle to sleep through it. However, eventually sleep is inevitable. When I woke up again it was time to get dressed in my uniform so I could go to therapy and work directly after that. I enjoy my 45 minutes. It's good for me to have someone I can tell everything to without worrying about how they will take it, and also their integrity. Otherwise I would keep everything to myself. I have a very long history of keeping problems to myself and its all been piling up inside (there's a lot there). As I got older, and experienced more I started doing it with everything.

I've come to a major realization. I will never love the same again. My therapist told me that all these things will always be painful but eventually the feelings will fade. That may be true but I don't wait for results. If I can't love someone the same, with as much passion as I had, what's the point? Second best isn't an option. I either want the best, or it doesn't matter. I'm not going to invest myself into anyone I'm not in love with. I haven't felt anything remotely close to the feelings I had in the past. I normally have someone around, but I don't get that, "I can't stand not seeing you" feeling. I don't get the butterflies. Sometimes I don't want anyone around and other times I'm indifferent. Honestly, I don't feel that overwhelming passion for anything anymore. It used to come naturally but pain has taken it's place. I've just learned to distract it. 

5 AM

Another sleepless night... As winter nears the familiar cold fills me up. I have to work in 5 hours, and it will be a 13 hour day for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPKOVmpmk0k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvqzPDEvLOw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mULa8WxTa4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycWUA_OHHWQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7HXV7f05C4

Late night conversation

I'm sitting here while my cat is cuddled next to me asleep. I compare my relationships with men as if I were a cat. I only want you here when I need attention. Other than that I will live my life independently from you. Most of the time I prefer to be alone. I'm not looking for anything serious or long-term. It won't last if you try to get that from me. I have tried a few times in the past three years to have that "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. I end up getting fed up with the person and all that they do. I'm not even happy being by myself! I don't know why I think putting someone else into the mix will change that. I end up just breaking their heart and I just watch as I feel nothing in return. I coexist in relationships, and that's not healthy. I've been told that trying to be in relationships might be a good thing because it will open up some of things I've repressed, and I will be able to express them. Every time I get involved it's only exciting for the first week or so, after that I'm like, "why are you still here?" One time when things got to the "next level" when I was building a relationship, I left in the middle of the night while they were sleeping. I haven't talked to them since. Another time I was given a promise ring, and I broke it off the next week. The first time someone says they love me all I can think is, I don't love you. Things progress when I don't actually want them to. I have a huge problem with intimacy. It's always meaningless and I end up resenting them because of it. I don't need a relationship to express myself.

I'm listening to my spotify playlist. Every song makes me think of my past in some way. My mind always wanders there. I've tried so many different things to make me forget everything that has happened. I remember asking myself which would be easier, "love or hate?" I've tried both, and they're equally frustrating. I don't find happiness in either so I decided, forget. How could I forget? There isn't a way. I've been told that I will always have my feelings, but eventually they will diminish. I just want to know when the hell that's supposed to happen, because it hasn't even began. I feel the same pain today that I always have. So, what do I do? I decided to put all my energy into becoming successful. I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but for a long time my desire was depleted. This was evident when I quit everything I was involved in. I finally was able to put my attention into work. I love doing a good job, and I fed on the energy I received from doing so. With this, I was able to start my career and it's taken off at high speed. In the past year I've been promoted twice. I'm projected to be promoted to an operating partner by the time I'm 21. I will be making anywhere from 60-100k a year depending on the volume of the store I receive. These next few years I will prepare myself for that day, as for my personal life, that's a work in... progress?

Find my feeling

Suddenly I'm here, looking around wondering why. Why do I still carry this around in my heart? I've tried, in so many different ways to shake this off. The only thing I can do is mask it, but when I get home at the end of my day and I'm left alone in my head it's there. The thoughts slowly push forward as I fight them. I start to feel a pain in my chest. I have to breathe deeply to alleviate the sharpness. If I don't stop it here it will only get worse.   It will control me mentally and physically. My decisions will be reactive. I've learned the only way to get by this is to fake it until I make it. It's one thing I can't find a real conclusion to. It does effect me in more ways than one. It effects my mental health. It's hard for me to stay positive when I begin to slide. My sleep varies. Some weeks I'm doing fine, and I'll sleep. Other weeks, I'll get a few hours a night. It effects my relationships with other people. One day I will be ok, and the next you won't hear from me. If you come around at the wrong time I'll push you away and I won't be nice about it. I normally just work, go home to my cat and stay up too long until I finally pass out. I don't know how to express emotions well. I spend a lot of time listening to music. It says everything that I need it to. I used to write music but I haven't been able to finish songs. I never feel like they say what I want them to. I'm never satisfied. My expectations are probably extreme, but I'm trying. I'm trying to not be so hard on myself. I'm trying to let people in. I'm trying to not react too suddenly to feelings because mine are such a roller coaster ride. I'm trying to go to sleep.... 

Another day another ______

Well I'm awake, and the Earth has continued its rotation. The sun is in position, as always, and it's almost time for it to shine on my side of the world. I've had four cups of coffee but exhaustion is still sinking in. I wish my body didn't require sleep to function. If I could just live in a constant state of wakefulness I could get so much done. I'm not going to think about that too much since it is far fetched.

Maybe I'm crazy

It's almost 8am and I haven't been to bed. I have a new schedule and I don't feel tired! It probably didn't help that I went to IHOP around 2am and had coffee. I'm not too concerned though, I will make it through. Do you ever feel like your brain just won't shut off? That's me most of the time. I'm never thinking about just one thing. My mind constantly wanders. There are a few subjects that are there often however. I will generalize one of the subjects to a topic. Love.

I know I have loved. It was very passionate and every moment was spent wanting to be next to that person. Everything about them was absolutely perfect even if it wasn't. When they touched my hand it sent electricity through my veins. I remember the first time I saw them. In fact, I remember almost every encounter with them. Therefore, I am forced to believe unconditional love does exist. However, does it ever last? Can you find it a second time? My expectations are so high, and honestly part of me is still holding on a little. I have found myself bitter to those who try to love me because no one is ever good enough, but I do get lonely. When I fell in love, I FELL, and then I fell again, and again... Every single time I saw them. I wish it were as easy to love again as it was to love the first time. Will it be love at first sight the second time? I'm not satisfied with anything that isn't. I still have a broken heart that I'm learning to piece back together. They say that time heals all wounds but I'm not sure that is true. I haven't given up though. I will never give up.

Coffee Tuesday

I had a great conversation with a mentor of mine this morning over a cup of coffee. I get so passionate about what I'm saying that I forget about the coffee! I am so motivated after having conversations with her that I immediately feel like accomplishing something, but I decided to come home and relax a bit before I go to work later today. Tuesdays are normally my day off but I didn't want a day off this week. My conversations with her normally express my goals. I've been trying to build good relationships with people I trust. The latter of that sentence means I don't have a lot of relationships. It is difficult for me to develop trust in people. I decided at a young age to hold things in. I can remember back to four years old when I made that decision, and I've been content with discontent until this past year. I moved out on my own almost as soon a I graduated High school. I was going to go to a university pursuing a music education degree, and I had great scholarships to do that. Everything was planned out: I even got into a scholars program. At that point I was working part time making $7.50 an hour, and I planned on keeping my part-time job while pursuing my degree. I remember going to my new student orientation and setting up my classes. I was excited up until that day when I saw my school schedule. In fact, I became irritated. My whole schedule was music classes. Some of them I didn't even get credits for. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do but I got the most money with that as my major. Over the next few weeks I couldn't stop thinking about it. Everyday my options were running through my head, "WHAT DO I DO?" I was about to spend a lot of money on something I wasn't sure I wanted to do. I knew I'd be good at it, but would it be worth it?

I've worked for Sonic since I was 16. I used to cut school so I could go to work instead. The last few years of high school were rough for me so work was my escape, and I put all my energy into it, but I never looked at it as a career option. It was a job while I was in high school that I just happened to enjoy. I started off with a different franchise, but the same immediate supervisor. I remember around Christmas time one year finding out she wasn't going to be my boss anymore. I was very disappointed but I was going to continue working there. My new boss was one of our assistants that got promoted up. At that time I was 17. The store changed after my previous boss left. I was a crew leader and I wanted to step up. I started jumping back into the kitchen so I could cross train. I learned more about food prep, and I started working more and more. I remember one day I worked 18 hours and I wanted to frame my clock out sheet. As I neared 18, the possibility of me getting promoted to an assistant manager was mentioned. I thought, "I'll be an assistant manager and go to school."I did get excited, but I wanted to start training. I felt like I was promised something and there wasn't any follow through. I knew I was going to be going to school in the town where my previous boss worked, so I thought maybe I could work for her again while I went to school. I applied, got hired, and then I put in my two weeks notice. My "new" boss waited to schedule me until those two weeks were over. I never saw myself where I am now. I drove 30 miles to work 4-5 days a week. I wanted to perform the best job I could. I wasn't planning on being promoted to a high rank, but I wanted to work there. Then those doubts about school started up. I walked in to work one day and my boss was standing at the desk. I've always been early to work, and that day was no exception. I would be there anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour early. I liked having conversations with her during this time if she wasn't busy. I was pacing a little, and I really wanted to talk to someone about my doubts with school. I was too nervous to bring it up to my mom because I thought she would be disappointed in me. We had spent all this time together getting everything set up and I was going to tell her I didn't want to go anymore. I was nervous to even tell anyone! Then, I said, "Jessi I've been thinking." Jessi is my boss by the way. She turned around immediately. "Yes Shayla?" "Jessi, I don't think I want to go to school." Her face immediately lit up and I was shocked. Here I was stressed out about decisions I was making, and my boss was smiling at me? She said, "Shayla, I've been thinking too."That was the moment she said she wanted to train me to be an assistant manager. She told me she had talked to her boss, and her BOSSES BOSS and these were her words, "I think she's a for lifer." She was right, but I didn't realize it until that day. I had always wanted to do the best job I could with the best attitude. All she had to do was tell me she saw potential in me. Following that conversation I broke the news to my mom with confidence. My mom was a restaurant manager as well, and she was very successful. At this point I said I wanted to take a few classes and become a manager. She was surprised, but not disappointed. I did all the required training to become certified after that along with my partner Harry. Harry was another crew member training to be an assistant. After I was a certified assistant I didn't stop my work, however I paused my schooling. Jessi continued working with me and I started my Co-manager checklist. Then we got the approval from her bosses in December of last year that I could be promoted, but not until January 1. I still get excited thinking about each step of my journey. In the past two years I've graduated, moved out on my own, got a full time job, then got promoted twice. Everything is working out for me. I remember when I was 16 and I thought nothing ever would, and everything good was over for me. I was wrong. The process isn't over yet either. I will still keep learning and advancing my skills until one day I will be a partner just like my boss. Hopefully she will be my supervisor by that time. This is one goal I know I want. It was the first time in a long time that I felt passion for something.

When I was younger I had so much passion. I directed it to so many different things. I started off in gymnastics then I got psoriasis and was forced to give that up. My dream then was to become an olympic athlete, and I am still convinced I could've done that. I was very good. That next year after was rough for me but eventually I got my passion back. I started dance, and after a year got invited to join the competitive team. I excelled in class. I started band, basketball, volleyball, and track. Then into High school I made the cheerleading team, dance team, honor choir which included lead roles in all 4 musicals, and model un. I created our school calendar and website. I was class vice president and eventually became cheer captain. I did so many different things and once again something came up. I quit everything at school. This time it wasn't psoriasis, and it's taking me more than a year to over come it. It happened when I was 15 and now I'm 19 going on 20. I'm still sorting out the mess it made. I was broken for a long time. There must've been a small flame still lit inside somewhere even if I didn't feel it because my passion for life is coming back. I'm so excited to watch the next few years unfold. I'm starting to have that confidence in myself again. I know I have a lot of potential. I am putting that into motion, and we'll see how it all unfolds.

Double standard

In my last post I explained that I am a nineteen year old female in a position of authority. You think the stereotypes are over after you graduate high school but that's not true. You do however have more freedom to address them. It's very frustrating but it will always exist. You just need to empower yourself and never silence yourself out of fear. Don't let another person hold you back.

Let me start with the first part. I'm nineteen. Here are some things I've heard, "you're so successful for your age," "they won't promote you again until  you're 21, they never do," "you're too young to worry about that." They are right about a few things. I am young, but I'm not too young. I am pretty well off, but my age has nothing to do with it. I shouldn't worry so much, but again age has nothing to so with how much I worry. Growing up I would hear my parents say, "you'll understand when you're older," and "when you're your brother's age..." I hated hearing those things then as much as I do now. I've never categorized myself because of my age. I accept that I will grow and learn from experience, but I have experienced more in my nineteen years than some people experience in a lifetime. I would say I've learned things the hard way, but I prefer to say I learned things the real world way. I collect experience as it presents itself. It's as if some people believe you are giving information when you turn a certain age. I can't wait until I'm 21 and I get the answer to life. Oh wait, that doesn't happen. You aren't given answers. You are given life experiences that you analyze, in my case over analyze. On the other hand, I understand in certain situations age is important. I understand how the development of the brain works. Some concepts can't be understood at young ages, so I don't fault my parents for waiting on certain things. However, I'm not going to stunt my growth because of a number. I know when I am ready for new goals and when I need to reevaluate preexisting ones. Progress is a process it's true, but my progress isn't on a timeline someone else sets out for me. My progress is in my own control. 

Now to address an even more sensitive subject. I am woman hear me roar. No really, hear me out. I don't want to turn into the exact thing I'm complaining about because it would be so easy, but I've had a lot of bad experiences with men. These experiences have changed me, as any experience will, but this one has been big. However, the problem isn't just with men, it's with women too but I'm getting too far ahead of myself. So many sensitive subjects can arise from this but I have had men tell me that, "he probably just likes your ass," in reference to compliments on work performance. This was a person I've had multiple conversations with. A person who has also evaluated my work performance and complimented me. He gave himself away.   Yes, I do a good job. No, it's not because I have a "nice ass." I would like to add that after I was told this, I got up out of the chair I was sitting in told the asshole that our conversation was over and left the room. (Pat myself on the back for that  one.) Now, if you think my ass looks good in these jeans that's very flattering, but don't ever think my success is attached to my rear end. That only applys  to people who make money taking their clothes off. My job requires a uniform. This is where I want to stand up for empowerment. I am not a feminist, but I am a female who thinks that EVERYONE needs to stand up for themselves. This is an area I'm constantly working on because it's very easy to be afraid, especially in young individuals. Your success isn't measured by your appearance. Have integrity. I could keep going on and on about this one, and I'm sure in future posts I'll bring more things up but I need sleep. 

I don't know where I stand as far as faith is concerned. I do know I have this life. I don't know what comes after, but I do believe you should make the most of life. I believe in finding yourself,  because what's the point in life otherwise? Have confidence. Don't let someone else paint your canvas for you. Take the brush in your hand, and make decisions based on your desires. The outcome won't be disappointing.

Goodnight.

 

Empower me

I'm trying to find the words to explain my thoughts right now. Let me start by explaining my position in life. I am nineteen years old. I am a female. I am in a high position at my work. I live on my own. I have had a lot of life experiences that have led me to be as successful as I am told that I am. However, I will never feel successful because I am a perfectionist. I am not content standing still. Being idle makes me feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I have higher standards for myself than any boss could ever have for me. In fact, my boss tells me to stop being hard on myself. My boss tells me I need to slow down and take a day for myself. I have more respect for my boss than I can even explain. I believe she understands me as a person, and has instilled a great amount of trust in me. I am greatful for that, but I have instilled the same trust in her. I can't explain how precious that is to me. I don't put my faith in other people because people can damage so much. This leads me to another thought. I have been asked multiple times by a variety of people if I am afraid to love. I don't believe that is the case. I have loved someone before and it was a wonderful feeling. The best feeling which also led to the worst feeling. When I describe the first occurrence it's so simple. It was love. What happened after that is very difficult to explain. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. Anyway, back to my point. I'm not afraid to love. I am protective of my heart. I am protective of my trust. I have walls and for very good reason. If you understood me completely you would be the same way. Like I was saying, for my age society says I'm doing pretty well. I am trying to accept that have accomplished so much but everyday I feel like I haven't. I will never be content with where I am because I'm always pushing for where I could be. I know this sounds really great and all but sometimes it's not. I am never satisfied. I get mad at myself for not knowing things that I've never experienced. I get mad at myself whenever I make a mistake. I am very hard on myself. On the other hand I'm always striving to be the best. I know I should accept my mistakes and learn from them, but this is where being a perfectionist becomes a character flaw. A true perfectionist is never satisfied. Less than the best isn't good enough. Second place isn't acceptable. You tell me I only missed one question on a test and I ask myself how I could possibly allow that to happen. If it's not perfect it's failure. I will always be accountable for my mistakes though. I don't hide behind excuses. I will be the first one to admit what they did wrong. The first time I make a mistake I'm pretty rough on myself but I have an action plan on how to prevent a reoccurrence. If it happens again I won't forgive myself. I am a screw up. I am a failure. This is what I tell myself. Now here I am, trying to remind myself that I'm human and mistakes are innate but it doesn't matter, it's just who I am. 

Here we go

It's been a long time since I've made a post and a lot has changed since then. Right now I'm sitting in hyvee eating a salad. I'm alone and I feel it too. I was tempted to ask the girl sitting at the table alone if she wanted some company but she's gone now. It's my day off. I can think of multiple things that would keep me occupied and distract my thoughts but I can't find the motivation to actually do anything. I guess I'd rather sit here by myself stare across the table at the empty seat and picture someone with me. I got all dressed up this morning to go nowhere. Oh well. The song "Already gone" by Kelly Clarkson just started playing and I think that's my cue to leave.