Post Ihop

I'm constantly thinking but not expressing. I have problems letting people in. I never feel like it's not necessary to share my problems so I internalize everything. Tonight however, I sat at IHOP with a girlfriend of mine. She's the only person I hang out with, unless you consider my weekly therapy session or my biweekly coffee meeting with my boss. I normally use the time I spend with her to be a dork, and rarely do I discuss anything serious. I couldn't hold it in tonight. I finally opened up to her about some things that were bothering me, and she just listened. When I was done (and crying like a baby) she grabbed my hands in hers and said, "you're not crazy, you're not hormonal, and you need to tell me how you feel more often." I guess I feel like it doesn't matter whether I tell anyone how I feel. What are they going to do about it? They can't fix it. I can't even fix it.

My day started off with a simple question, "How are you?" I don't even know how to answer that question. How am I? There's a difference between someone asking that out of politeness, and someone asking that because they are concerned about how I'm actually doing. If I'm talking to someone I haven't talked to in a while and they ask that question I normally respond with, "I'm doing fine, just working a lot." Now in this case it was someone who I've always had a pretty honest relationship with, but we only talk every few months (sometimes longer.) I repeated the question in my head, "How are you?" A few things came to mind, I am alive, I am still breathing, I am here, I am existing... I ended up saying, "Things are ok? Nothing especially great is happening." That's the most honest answer I could come up with without getting way too deep. The conversation was a short one, and we didn't dive much deeper than that.

I laid on the couch for a while. Instead of letting my mind wander I decided to focus on work. I read through all the emails and reports. I had only slept for an hour before I woke up at 6:30am. I remembered looking at the clock at 8am and decided I could try for a couple more hours of sleep. I see the sunrise every day and struggle to sleep through it. However, eventually sleep is inevitable. When I woke up again it was time to get dressed in my uniform so I could go to therapy and work directly after that. I enjoy my 45 minutes. It's good for me to have someone I can tell everything to without worrying about how they will take it, and also their integrity. Otherwise I would keep everything to myself. I have a very long history of keeping problems to myself and its all been piling up inside (there's a lot there). As I got older, and experienced more I started doing it with everything.

I've come to a major realization. I will never love the same again. My therapist told me that all these things will always be painful but eventually the feelings will fade. That may be true but I don't wait for results. If I can't love someone the same, with as much passion as I had, what's the point? Second best isn't an option. I either want the best, or it doesn't matter. I'm not going to invest myself into anyone I'm not in love with. I haven't felt anything remotely close to the feelings I had in the past. I normally have someone around, but I don't get that, "I can't stand not seeing you" feeling. I don't get the butterflies. Sometimes I don't want anyone around and other times I'm indifferent. Honestly, I don't feel that overwhelming passion for anything anymore. It used to come naturally but pain has taken it's place. I've just learned to distract it. 

Late night conversation

I'm sitting here while my cat is cuddled next to me asleep. I compare my relationships with men as if I were a cat. I only want you here when I need attention. Other than that I will live my life independently from you. Most of the time I prefer to be alone. I'm not looking for anything serious or long-term. It won't last if you try to get that from me. I have tried a few times in the past three years to have that "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. I end up getting fed up with the person and all that they do. I'm not even happy being by myself! I don't know why I think putting someone else into the mix will change that. I end up just breaking their heart and I just watch as I feel nothing in return. I coexist in relationships, and that's not healthy. I've been told that trying to be in relationships might be a good thing because it will open up some of things I've repressed, and I will be able to express them. Every time I get involved it's only exciting for the first week or so, after that I'm like, "why are you still here?" One time when things got to the "next level" when I was building a relationship, I left in the middle of the night while they were sleeping. I haven't talked to them since. Another time I was given a promise ring, and I broke it off the next week. The first time someone says they love me all I can think is, I don't love you. Things progress when I don't actually want them to. I have a huge problem with intimacy. It's always meaningless and I end up resenting them because of it. I don't need a relationship to express myself.

I'm listening to my spotify playlist. Every song makes me think of my past in some way. My mind always wanders there. I've tried so many different things to make me forget everything that has happened. I remember asking myself which would be easier, "love or hate?" I've tried both, and they're equally frustrating. I don't find happiness in either so I decided, forget. How could I forget? There isn't a way. I've been told that I will always have my feelings, but eventually they will diminish. I just want to know when the hell that's supposed to happen, because it hasn't even began. I feel the same pain today that I always have. So, what do I do? I decided to put all my energy into becoming successful. I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but for a long time my desire was depleted. This was evident when I quit everything I was involved in. I finally was able to put my attention into work. I love doing a good job, and I fed on the energy I received from doing so. With this, I was able to start my career and it's taken off at high speed. In the past year I've been promoted twice. I'm projected to be promoted to an operating partner by the time I'm 21. I will be making anywhere from 60-100k a year depending on the volume of the store I receive. These next few years I will prepare myself for that day, as for my personal life, that's a work in... progress?

Empower me

I'm trying to find the words to explain my thoughts right now. Let me start by explaining my position in life. I am nineteen years old. I am a female. I am in a high position at my work. I live on my own. I have had a lot of life experiences that have led me to be as successful as I am told that I am. However, I will never feel successful because I am a perfectionist. I am not content standing still. Being idle makes me feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I have higher standards for myself than any boss could ever have for me. In fact, my boss tells me to stop being hard on myself. My boss tells me I need to slow down and take a day for myself. I have more respect for my boss than I can even explain. I believe she understands me as a person, and has instilled a great amount of trust in me. I am greatful for that, but I have instilled the same trust in her. I can't explain how precious that is to me. I don't put my faith in other people because people can damage so much. This leads me to another thought. I have been asked multiple times by a variety of people if I am afraid to love. I don't believe that is the case. I have loved someone before and it was a wonderful feeling. The best feeling which also led to the worst feeling. When I describe the first occurrence it's so simple. It was love. What happened after that is very difficult to explain. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. Anyway, back to my point. I'm not afraid to love. I am protective of my heart. I am protective of my trust. I have walls and for very good reason. If you understood me completely you would be the same way. Like I was saying, for my age society says I'm doing pretty well. I am trying to accept that have accomplished so much but everyday I feel like I haven't. I will never be content with where I am because I'm always pushing for where I could be. I know this sounds really great and all but sometimes it's not. I am never satisfied. I get mad at myself for not knowing things that I've never experienced. I get mad at myself whenever I make a mistake. I am very hard on myself. On the other hand I'm always striving to be the best. I know I should accept my mistakes and learn from them, but this is where being a perfectionist becomes a character flaw. A true perfectionist is never satisfied. Less than the best isn't good enough. Second place isn't acceptable. You tell me I only missed one question on a test and I ask myself how I could possibly allow that to happen. If it's not perfect it's failure. I will always be accountable for my mistakes though. I don't hide behind excuses. I will be the first one to admit what they did wrong. The first time I make a mistake I'm pretty rough on myself but I have an action plan on how to prevent a reoccurrence. If it happens again I won't forgive myself. I am a screw up. I am a failure. This is what I tell myself. Now here I am, trying to remind myself that I'm human and mistakes are innate but it doesn't matter, it's just who I am.