Empower me

I'm trying to find the words to explain my thoughts right now. Let me start by explaining my position in life. I am nineteen years old. I am a female. I am in a high position at my work. I live on my own. I have had a lot of life experiences that have led me to be as successful as I am told that I am. However, I will never feel successful because I am a perfectionist. I am not content standing still. Being idle makes me feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I have higher standards for myself than any boss could ever have for me. In fact, my boss tells me to stop being hard on myself. My boss tells me I need to slow down and take a day for myself. I have more respect for my boss than I can even explain. I believe she understands me as a person, and has instilled a great amount of trust in me. I am greatful for that, but I have instilled the same trust in her. I can't explain how precious that is to me. I don't put my faith in other people because people can damage so much. This leads me to another thought. I have been asked multiple times by a variety of people if I am afraid to love. I don't believe that is the case. I have loved someone before and it was a wonderful feeling. The best feeling which also led to the worst feeling. When I describe the first occurrence it's so simple. It was love. What happened after that is very difficult to explain. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. Anyway, back to my point. I'm not afraid to love. I am protective of my heart. I am protective of my trust. I have walls and for very good reason. If you understood me completely you would be the same way. Like I was saying, for my age society says I'm doing pretty well. I am trying to accept that have accomplished so much but everyday I feel like I haven't. I will never be content with where I am because I'm always pushing for where I could be. I know this sounds really great and all but sometimes it's not. I am never satisfied. I get mad at myself for not knowing things that I've never experienced. I get mad at myself whenever I make a mistake. I am very hard on myself. On the other hand I'm always striving to be the best. I know I should accept my mistakes and learn from them, but this is where being a perfectionist becomes a character flaw. A true perfectionist is never satisfied. Less than the best isn't good enough. Second place isn't acceptable. You tell me I only missed one question on a test and I ask myself how I could possibly allow that to happen. If it's not perfect it's failure. I will always be accountable for my mistakes though. I don't hide behind excuses. I will be the first one to admit what they did wrong. The first time I make a mistake I'm pretty rough on myself but I have an action plan on how to prevent a reoccurrence. If it happens again I won't forgive myself. I am a screw up. I am a failure. This is what I tell myself. Now here I am, trying to remind myself that I'm human and mistakes are innate but it doesn't matter, it's just who I am.