Listening to Adele

I used to listen to these albums after him. Adele and Christina Perri were the soundtrack of my life for an entire year. When I first started seeing my therapist about three years ago I introduced her to Adele. I didn't have a lot of conversations with my therapist. I didn't want to talk, but I shared my music. My music was being used to express how I was feeling on the inside, and although I never realized until today why I decided so long after I stopped seeing my therapist to return to this specific one. I've seen a few different therapists, and if I really wanted to I could've gone to a different therapist for a lot cheaper. So what was it that brought me back to her? I never even talked with her. How could I have made a connection with her? I was in an extreme moment of desperation, but not the self pity kind. I'm saying I woke up one day and said I was so tired of living the way I was. It had been four years since the moment of truth and it was still controlling me. I asked myself how I was feeling, and reality hit me: I am not happy.  I am still numb. I am not feeling. Then I tried getting ahold of my therapist In three different ways. I checked my phone constantly that day, until I got a response. I was instantly relaxed. My anxiety went away for a little bit. I find it coincidental that on one of the first visits back to her she said that I had given her Adele. Yes Alice, I did and that's why I am here. You knew that my music was a gift. I never put anything above work. I don't request days off very often. I feel guilty even looking at the days off book. I take so much responisbility for my job. I made going to therapy a priority however. I committed myself to it, and I am thankful for that. This is progress.

http://youtu.be/k3bzXdW-7AQ

Wishful thinking

I wish we could remake this.

I wish I could find myself again.

I've gone to every place and

I'm left with the memories, alone inside my head.

I know I'm supposed to think you're a monster in disguise, but I can't make them understand how it felt to look in your eyes. 

I hope you can understand I tried everything I could, but I was fighting someone who had control of every place I stood. 

If you saw everything I went through behind the scenes, maybe you could see Why I had to accept that my love was an alternate reality. 

I had to give up on what I felt inside my breaking heart, if I hadn't I would've tore my family apart. 

Believe me, I fought for you until the day she drove off in her car. I knew if I continued I would cause an even bigger war. 

I struggle every single day to keep you out of my thoughts, but the emotions I feel are pressurized like boiling water in a teapot. 

I know I will never be the same girl that loved so innocently but I'm done distracting how I feel to fool myself that I'm happy. 

I woke up one day and said out loud, "I'm done living this way." No more pretending because I've lost myself along the way. 

Post Ihop

I'm constantly thinking but not expressing. I have problems letting people in. I never feel like it's not necessary to share my problems so I internalize everything. Tonight however, I sat at IHOP with a girlfriend of mine. She's the only person I hang out with, unless you consider my weekly therapy session or my biweekly coffee meeting with my boss. I normally use the time I spend with her to be a dork, and rarely do I discuss anything serious. I couldn't hold it in tonight. I finally opened up to her about some things that were bothering me, and she just listened. When I was done (and crying like a baby) she grabbed my hands in hers and said, "you're not crazy, you're not hormonal, and you need to tell me how you feel more often." I guess I feel like it doesn't matter whether I tell anyone how I feel. What are they going to do about it? They can't fix it. I can't even fix it.

My day started off with a simple question, "How are you?" I don't even know how to answer that question. How am I? There's a difference between someone asking that out of politeness, and someone asking that because they are concerned about how I'm actually doing. If I'm talking to someone I haven't talked to in a while and they ask that question I normally respond with, "I'm doing fine, just working a lot." Now in this case it was someone who I've always had a pretty honest relationship with, but we only talk every few months (sometimes longer.) I repeated the question in my head, "How are you?" A few things came to mind, I am alive, I am still breathing, I am here, I am existing... I ended up saying, "Things are ok? Nothing especially great is happening." That's the most honest answer I could come up with without getting way too deep. The conversation was a short one, and we didn't dive much deeper than that.

I laid on the couch for a while. Instead of letting my mind wander I decided to focus on work. I read through all the emails and reports. I had only slept for an hour before I woke up at 6:30am. I remembered looking at the clock at 8am and decided I could try for a couple more hours of sleep. I see the sunrise every day and struggle to sleep through it. However, eventually sleep is inevitable. When I woke up again it was time to get dressed in my uniform so I could go to therapy and work directly after that. I enjoy my 45 minutes. It's good for me to have someone I can tell everything to without worrying about how they will take it, and also their integrity. Otherwise I would keep everything to myself. I have a very long history of keeping problems to myself and its all been piling up inside (there's a lot there). As I got older, and experienced more I started doing it with everything.

I've come to a major realization. I will never love the same again. My therapist told me that all these things will always be painful but eventually the feelings will fade. That may be true but I don't wait for results. If I can't love someone the same, with as much passion as I had, what's the point? Second best isn't an option. I either want the best, or it doesn't matter. I'm not going to invest myself into anyone I'm not in love with. I haven't felt anything remotely close to the feelings I had in the past. I normally have someone around, but I don't get that, "I can't stand not seeing you" feeling. I don't get the butterflies. Sometimes I don't want anyone around and other times I'm indifferent. Honestly, I don't feel that overwhelming passion for anything anymore. It used to come naturally but pain has taken it's place. I've just learned to distract it. 

Late night conversation

I'm sitting here while my cat is cuddled next to me asleep. I compare my relationships with men as if I were a cat. I only want you here when I need attention. Other than that I will live my life independently from you. Most of the time I prefer to be alone. I'm not looking for anything serious or long-term. It won't last if you try to get that from me. I have tried a few times in the past three years to have that "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. I end up getting fed up with the person and all that they do. I'm not even happy being by myself! I don't know why I think putting someone else into the mix will change that. I end up just breaking their heart and I just watch as I feel nothing in return. I coexist in relationships, and that's not healthy. I've been told that trying to be in relationships might be a good thing because it will open up some of things I've repressed, and I will be able to express them. Every time I get involved it's only exciting for the first week or so, after that I'm like, "why are you still here?" One time when things got to the "next level" when I was building a relationship, I left in the middle of the night while they were sleeping. I haven't talked to them since. Another time I was given a promise ring, and I broke it off the next week. The first time someone says they love me all I can think is, I don't love you. Things progress when I don't actually want them to. I have a huge problem with intimacy. It's always meaningless and I end up resenting them because of it. I don't need a relationship to express myself.

I'm listening to my spotify playlist. Every song makes me think of my past in some way. My mind always wanders there. I've tried so many different things to make me forget everything that has happened. I remember asking myself which would be easier, "love or hate?" I've tried both, and they're equally frustrating. I don't find happiness in either so I decided, forget. How could I forget? There isn't a way. I've been told that I will always have my feelings, but eventually they will diminish. I just want to know when the hell that's supposed to happen, because it hasn't even began. I feel the same pain today that I always have. So, what do I do? I decided to put all my energy into becoming successful. I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but for a long time my desire was depleted. This was evident when I quit everything I was involved in. I finally was able to put my attention into work. I love doing a good job, and I fed on the energy I received from doing so. With this, I was able to start my career and it's taken off at high speed. In the past year I've been promoted twice. I'm projected to be promoted to an operating partner by the time I'm 21. I will be making anywhere from 60-100k a year depending on the volume of the store I receive. These next few years I will prepare myself for that day, as for my personal life, that's a work in... progress?

Find my feeling

Suddenly I'm here, looking around wondering why. Why do I still carry this around in my heart? I've tried, in so many different ways to shake this off. The only thing I can do is mask it, but when I get home at the end of my day and I'm left alone in my head it's there. The thoughts slowly push forward as I fight them. I start to feel a pain in my chest. I have to breathe deeply to alleviate the sharpness. If I don't stop it here it will only get worse.   It will control me mentally and physically. My decisions will be reactive. I've learned the only way to get by this is to fake it until I make it. It's one thing I can't find a real conclusion to. It does effect me in more ways than one. It effects my mental health. It's hard for me to stay positive when I begin to slide. My sleep varies. Some weeks I'm doing fine, and I'll sleep. Other weeks, I'll get a few hours a night. It effects my relationships with other people. One day I will be ok, and the next you won't hear from me. If you come around at the wrong time I'll push you away and I won't be nice about it. I normally just work, go home to my cat and stay up too long until I finally pass out. I don't know how to express emotions well. I spend a lot of time listening to music. It says everything that I need it to. I used to write music but I haven't been able to finish songs. I never feel like they say what I want them to. I'm never satisfied. My expectations are probably extreme, but I'm trying. I'm trying to not be so hard on myself. I'm trying to let people in. I'm trying to not react too suddenly to feelings because mine are such a roller coaster ride. I'm trying to go to sleep.... 

Another day another ______

Well I'm awake, and the Earth has continued its rotation. The sun is in position, as always, and it's almost time for it to shine on my side of the world. I've had four cups of coffee but exhaustion is still sinking in. I wish my body didn't require sleep to function. If I could just live in a constant state of wakefulness I could get so much done. I'm not going to think about that too much since it is far fetched.

Maybe I'm crazy

It's almost 8am and I haven't been to bed. I have a new schedule and I don't feel tired! It probably didn't help that I went to IHOP around 2am and had coffee. I'm not too concerned though, I will make it through. Do you ever feel like your brain just won't shut off? That's me most of the time. I'm never thinking about just one thing. My mind constantly wanders. There are a few subjects that are there often however. I will generalize one of the subjects to a topic. Love.

I know I have loved. It was very passionate and every moment was spent wanting to be next to that person. Everything about them was absolutely perfect even if it wasn't. When they touched my hand it sent electricity through my veins. I remember the first time I saw them. In fact, I remember almost every encounter with them. Therefore, I am forced to believe unconditional love does exist. However, does it ever last? Can you find it a second time? My expectations are so high, and honestly part of me is still holding on a little. I have found myself bitter to those who try to love me because no one is ever good enough, but I do get lonely. When I fell in love, I FELL, and then I fell again, and again... Every single time I saw them. I wish it were as easy to love again as it was to love the first time. Will it be love at first sight the second time? I'm not satisfied with anything that isn't. I still have a broken heart that I'm learning to piece back together. They say that time heals all wounds but I'm not sure that is true. I haven't given up though. I will never give up.

Coffee Tuesday

I had a great conversation with a mentor of mine this morning over a cup of coffee. I get so passionate about what I'm saying that I forget about the coffee! I am so motivated after having conversations with her that I immediately feel like accomplishing something, but I decided to come home and relax a bit before I go to work later today. Tuesdays are normally my day off but I didn't want a day off this week. My conversations with her normally express my goals. I've been trying to build good relationships with people I trust. The latter of that sentence means I don't have a lot of relationships. It is difficult for me to develop trust in people. I decided at a young age to hold things in. I can remember back to four years old when I made that decision, and I've been content with discontent until this past year. I moved out on my own almost as soon a I graduated High school. I was going to go to a university pursuing a music education degree, and I had great scholarships to do that. Everything was planned out: I even got into a scholars program. At that point I was working part time making $7.50 an hour, and I planned on keeping my part-time job while pursuing my degree. I remember going to my new student orientation and setting up my classes. I was excited up until that day when I saw my school schedule. In fact, I became irritated. My whole schedule was music classes. Some of them I didn't even get credits for. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do but I got the most money with that as my major. Over the next few weeks I couldn't stop thinking about it. Everyday my options were running through my head, "WHAT DO I DO?" I was about to spend a lot of money on something I wasn't sure I wanted to do. I knew I'd be good at it, but would it be worth it?

I've worked for Sonic since I was 16. I used to cut school so I could go to work instead. The last few years of high school were rough for me so work was my escape, and I put all my energy into it, but I never looked at it as a career option. It was a job while I was in high school that I just happened to enjoy. I started off with a different franchise, but the same immediate supervisor. I remember around Christmas time one year finding out she wasn't going to be my boss anymore. I was very disappointed but I was going to continue working there. My new boss was one of our assistants that got promoted up. At that time I was 17. The store changed after my previous boss left. I was a crew leader and I wanted to step up. I started jumping back into the kitchen so I could cross train. I learned more about food prep, and I started working more and more. I remember one day I worked 18 hours and I wanted to frame my clock out sheet. As I neared 18, the possibility of me getting promoted to an assistant manager was mentioned. I thought, "I'll be an assistant manager and go to school."I did get excited, but I wanted to start training. I felt like I was promised something and there wasn't any follow through. I knew I was going to be going to school in the town where my previous boss worked, so I thought maybe I could work for her again while I went to school. I applied, got hired, and then I put in my two weeks notice. My "new" boss waited to schedule me until those two weeks were over. I never saw myself where I am now. I drove 30 miles to work 4-5 days a week. I wanted to perform the best job I could. I wasn't planning on being promoted to a high rank, but I wanted to work there. Then those doubts about school started up. I walked in to work one day and my boss was standing at the desk. I've always been early to work, and that day was no exception. I would be there anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour early. I liked having conversations with her during this time if she wasn't busy. I was pacing a little, and I really wanted to talk to someone about my doubts with school. I was too nervous to bring it up to my mom because I thought she would be disappointed in me. We had spent all this time together getting everything set up and I was going to tell her I didn't want to go anymore. I was nervous to even tell anyone! Then, I said, "Jessi I've been thinking." Jessi is my boss by the way. She turned around immediately. "Yes Shayla?" "Jessi, I don't think I want to go to school." Her face immediately lit up and I was shocked. Here I was stressed out about decisions I was making, and my boss was smiling at me? She said, "Shayla, I've been thinking too."That was the moment she said she wanted to train me to be an assistant manager. She told me she had talked to her boss, and her BOSSES BOSS and these were her words, "I think she's a for lifer." She was right, but I didn't realize it until that day. I had always wanted to do the best job I could with the best attitude. All she had to do was tell me she saw potential in me. Following that conversation I broke the news to my mom with confidence. My mom was a restaurant manager as well, and she was very successful. At this point I said I wanted to take a few classes and become a manager. She was surprised, but not disappointed. I did all the required training to become certified after that along with my partner Harry. Harry was another crew member training to be an assistant. After I was a certified assistant I didn't stop my work, however I paused my schooling. Jessi continued working with me and I started my Co-manager checklist. Then we got the approval from her bosses in December of last year that I could be promoted, but not until January 1. I still get excited thinking about each step of my journey. In the past two years I've graduated, moved out on my own, got a full time job, then got promoted twice. Everything is working out for me. I remember when I was 16 and I thought nothing ever would, and everything good was over for me. I was wrong. The process isn't over yet either. I will still keep learning and advancing my skills until one day I will be a partner just like my boss. Hopefully she will be my supervisor by that time. This is one goal I know I want. It was the first time in a long time that I felt passion for something.

When I was younger I had so much passion. I directed it to so many different things. I started off in gymnastics then I got psoriasis and was forced to give that up. My dream then was to become an olympic athlete, and I am still convinced I could've done that. I was very good. That next year after was rough for me but eventually I got my passion back. I started dance, and after a year got invited to join the competitive team. I excelled in class. I started band, basketball, volleyball, and track. Then into High school I made the cheerleading team, dance team, honor choir which included lead roles in all 4 musicals, and model un. I created our school calendar and website. I was class vice president and eventually became cheer captain. I did so many different things and once again something came up. I quit everything at school. This time it wasn't psoriasis, and it's taking me more than a year to over come it. It happened when I was 15 and now I'm 19 going on 20. I'm still sorting out the mess it made. I was broken for a long time. There must've been a small flame still lit inside somewhere even if I didn't feel it because my passion for life is coming back. I'm so excited to watch the next few years unfold. I'm starting to have that confidence in myself again. I know I have a lot of potential. I am putting that into motion, and we'll see how it all unfolds.

Double standard

In my last post I explained that I am a nineteen year old female in a position of authority. You think the stereotypes are over after you graduate high school but that's not true. You do however have more freedom to address them. It's very frustrating but it will always exist. You just need to empower yourself and never silence yourself out of fear. Don't let another person hold you back.

Let me start with the first part. I'm nineteen. Here are some things I've heard, "you're so successful for your age," "they won't promote you again until  you're 21, they never do," "you're too young to worry about that." They are right about a few things. I am young, but I'm not too young. I am pretty well off, but my age has nothing to do with it. I shouldn't worry so much, but again age has nothing to so with how much I worry. Growing up I would hear my parents say, "you'll understand when you're older," and "when you're your brother's age..." I hated hearing those things then as much as I do now. I've never categorized myself because of my age. I accept that I will grow and learn from experience, but I have experienced more in my nineteen years than some people experience in a lifetime. I would say I've learned things the hard way, but I prefer to say I learned things the real world way. I collect experience as it presents itself. It's as if some people believe you are giving information when you turn a certain age. I can't wait until I'm 21 and I get the answer to life. Oh wait, that doesn't happen. You aren't given answers. You are given life experiences that you analyze, in my case over analyze. On the other hand, I understand in certain situations age is important. I understand how the development of the brain works. Some concepts can't be understood at young ages, so I don't fault my parents for waiting on certain things. However, I'm not going to stunt my growth because of a number. I know when I am ready for new goals and when I need to reevaluate preexisting ones. Progress is a process it's true, but my progress isn't on a timeline someone else sets out for me. My progress is in my own control. 

Now to address an even more sensitive subject. I am woman hear me roar. No really, hear me out. I don't want to turn into the exact thing I'm complaining about because it would be so easy, but I've had a lot of bad experiences with men. These experiences have changed me, as any experience will, but this one has been big. However, the problem isn't just with men, it's with women too but I'm getting too far ahead of myself. So many sensitive subjects can arise from this but I have had men tell me that, "he probably just likes your ass," in reference to compliments on work performance. This was a person I've had multiple conversations with. A person who has also evaluated my work performance and complimented me. He gave himself away.   Yes, I do a good job. No, it's not because I have a "nice ass." I would like to add that after I was told this, I got up out of the chair I was sitting in told the asshole that our conversation was over and left the room. (Pat myself on the back for that  one.) Now, if you think my ass looks good in these jeans that's very flattering, but don't ever think my success is attached to my rear end. That only applys  to people who make money taking their clothes off. My job requires a uniform. This is where I want to stand up for empowerment. I am not a feminist, but I am a female who thinks that EVERYONE needs to stand up for themselves. This is an area I'm constantly working on because it's very easy to be afraid, especially in young individuals. Your success isn't measured by your appearance. Have integrity. I could keep going on and on about this one, and I'm sure in future posts I'll bring more things up but I need sleep. 

I don't know where I stand as far as faith is concerned. I do know I have this life. I don't know what comes after, but I do believe you should make the most of life. I believe in finding yourself,  because what's the point in life otherwise? Have confidence. Don't let someone else paint your canvas for you. Take the brush in your hand, and make decisions based on your desires. The outcome won't be disappointing.

Goodnight.