Sweet Disposition

It's hard for me to adequately explain the altered state of mind I have been thrown into. My brain is flooded with dopamine causing this incredibly feeling resonating from my chest to my hands. The desire to have something, the temptation. Finally, the manipulation involved to cause me to experience it. Why do I still crave it knowing the intention? As soon as his name is mentioned I start to fade, but I try to exist. My thoughts become cluttered and my hands shake. Then, he's there. Stoic. His use of metaphors and subliminal comments stick to my soul. I know he is capable of more than most know. It seems like he wanted me to know that, of course, without directly saying it. I would never admit what I think that is. I just keep wondering, does he know I know? He has to. I am giving him what he wants, and so far at no extreme detriment to myself. His demands aren't unrealistic, however, he did put me in a situation where it's not an option either. That's okay. I accept this challenge.

Listening to Adele

I used to listen to these albums after him. Adele and Christina Perri were the soundtrack of my life for an entire year. When I first started seeing my therapist about three years ago I introduced her to Adele. I didn't have a lot of conversations with my therapist. I didn't want to talk, but I shared my music. My music was being used to express how I was feeling on the inside, and although I never realized until today why I decided so long after I stopped seeing my therapist to return to this specific one. I've seen a few different therapists, and if I really wanted to I could've gone to a different therapist for a lot cheaper. So what was it that brought me back to her? I never even talked with her. How could I have made a connection with her? I was in an extreme moment of desperation, but not the self pity kind. I'm saying I woke up one day and said I was so tired of living the way I was. It had been four years since the moment of truth and it was still controlling me. I asked myself how I was feeling, and reality hit me: I am not happy.  I am still numb. I am not feeling. Then I tried getting ahold of my therapist In three different ways. I checked my phone constantly that day, until I got a response. I was instantly relaxed. My anxiety went away for a little bit. I find it coincidental that on one of the first visits back to her she said that I had given her Adele. Yes Alice, I did and that's why I am here. You knew that my music was a gift. I never put anything above work. I don't request days off very often. I feel guilty even looking at the days off book. I take so much responisbility for my job. I made going to therapy a priority however. I committed myself to it, and I am thankful for that. This is progress.

http://youtu.be/k3bzXdW-7AQ

Confusion

Whenever I look up the grooming process of sexual predators it's hard not to link it to my past. I don't want to believe that it was what happened to me. I don't want to believe that somebody set out to hurt me. I want to believe that they loved me like I loved them. I want to believe that they still love me and hurt like I do every day. Whenever I start missing them it leads me down a very dark path. I don't know why I keep letting myself believe that the love was real when it probably wasn't. I'm stuck.  I could have been manipulated into loving someone. All the things they describe in the process are what happened, but I do love them. The past four years of my life have been spent trying to define what happened, reacting to what happened, and living with the pain. I've learned how to get by feeling this way. I've learned how to push everything down so I can function. I've let it define me because I'm convinced that it is real, they do love me, and I just want it back. I want to know what they have to say for themselves. I want to sit down face to face and hear them describe the events to me, but that seems practically impossible at this point. I want to be able to get past this but it's so damn hard. Every time I try to solve it, I exhaust myself. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't keep my emotions under control. Then I decide to distract myself again because it's too much to take, but eventually I fall back to this point of confusion. Everything starts coming back up. The memories flood out, and I am back to being a complete mess. I started going to therapy (again) because I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of feeling this. Every time it comes back it literally makes me sick. I start making poor choices because I'm searching for something that will take it all away. I can't do this anymore. I will not let this ruin my life anymore than it already has. It's time to find MY HEALING.

Wishful thinking

I wish we could remake this.

I wish I could find myself again.

I've gone to every place and

I'm left with the memories, alone inside my head.

I know I'm supposed to think you're a monster in disguise, but I can't make them understand how it felt to look in your eyes. 

I hope you can understand I tried everything I could, but I was fighting someone who had control of every place I stood. 

If you saw everything I went through behind the scenes, maybe you could see Why I had to accept that my love was an alternate reality. 

I had to give up on what I felt inside my breaking heart, if I hadn't I would've tore my family apart. 

Believe me, I fought for you until the day she drove off in her car. I knew if I continued I would cause an even bigger war. 

I struggle every single day to keep you out of my thoughts, but the emotions I feel are pressurized like boiling water in a teapot. 

I know I will never be the same girl that loved so innocently but I'm done distracting how I feel to fool myself that I'm happy. 

I woke up one day and said out loud, "I'm done living this way." No more pretending because I've lost myself along the way. 

Thinking

I think of you often. 

I think of my sorrow.

I think of my pain.

I think, "what if?"

I think, "never again."

I think of the words I said and what I could.

I think of the way everything played out and what would.

I think of my feelings back then and right now.

I think things could be better and then I ask how? 

I think up confrontations that never occur.

I think of revelations but I'm never for sure. 

I think of ways to mend my heart,

I think of you and now I'm back to the start. 

What do you think before bed every night?

What's in your heart? What's on your mind?

What would you think if you knew the truth? 

Who am I kidding, you probably do.

In case you don't know there's an emptiness inside me.

If you were wondering, I can't love anyone beside me. 

Is it anything to you I lay in bed with this in my heart every night.

Just to put it on the table, I see you everytime I close my eyes. 

To be completely clear, I love you. Goodnight.

Property Details

This house does have four bedrooms and three bathrooms. It has beautiful wood floors, and large rooms with tall doorways. It has a fenced in backyard, and an equally large non-fenced area. Let me tell you a few other things about this house however. 

It has great acoustics in the stairwells. Don't be embarrassed to sing at the top of your lungs because the neighbors won't ever call the cops and make any noise complaints. The stairs are also great for mattress surfing, and throwing dog toys down. If you have a small dog they may be apprehensive to using the steps at first, but they'll get the hang of it. The stairway upstairs features nice posts with flat tops so that you can set your bowl of cereal down while you turn on the light so you don't spill any milk anywhere. I might add that the lights to this stairwell are old style push button lights, and you will turn on every single one before you get the right one. It is a big house and you might be saying, "HOW will I clean it?" Well, put your socks on, play some Michael Jackson, and slide around as you polish those hardwood floors. The backyard is flat enough to practice your gymnastics, stick fighting, and archery skills. You can lay a sleeping bag on the nice slope it offers and do a little star gazing. Personally, I prefer the roof for that. You can climb right out the upstairs bedroom window. If you take off the white fencing around the porch you will find a nice hiding spot that you can actually crawl into. Yes, you can have a picnic here if you want. I don't know why that seems like a great idea, but it will. The mailbox is NOT A GREAT place to put firecrackers. That would be illegal. DON'T do it. The hill in front of the house is fun to ride your bike down. The trees are climbable. The berries are edible. The attic is fun to play in. You can pretend like it's your own little apartment. The basement is great to watch movies in. The kitchen is a great place to bake, and make messes. The house is happiest when it is filled with family, friends, food, and music. I hope the people moving in discover their own home, but I can promise it will be a great one. 

Memories

I'm sitting on a couch in my childhood home. It's the only thing left in the room. My family moved here when I was five years old. I started first grade here. Everything about the town is familiar. The last three years I lived here everything changed. I lived in this town for 13 years. That's over half my lifetime! I remember when we visited the town we thought it was strange how everyone waved at us. Everyone was so friendly and inviting. Now, the only time I'm comfortable in the town is at night. Everywhere I go, even now, people stare, but I want to think about the other times. For a moment, I'm going to remember this town before everything changed. I'm thinking back through the years. I learned so much in this little town. I was involved in so many different activities, and I met a lot of people. A lot of "firsts" happened in this town. The house is under contract now, and will be sold next month. Although the town doesn't feel the same anymore it will always be where I grew up, where I learned to ride a bike, I kissed someone for the first time, learned to play the clarinet, learned to drive, got my first job, made lifetime friends, fell in love, had my first heartbreak, bought my first car, and SO SO SO MUCH MORE. This is where it all started. Goodbye 901 New Jersey.